我愛你﹐所以再見－酸葡萄蛋糕人

9 月 9 號後再也沒有見面﹐

先前 Ian 和 Trish 的生日 party, 前一個你去了﹐我沒去﹐
因為不想變成 Kim -- 她和 Taras 曖昧了一陣子﹐後來好像分開﹐
在你的生日 party 上﹐她 fashionably late, 很明顯只是來看 Taras,
卻還帶了一個上不了台面的男朋友。Epic Fail.

Trish 的 birthday party 我去了﹐本來抱著一點希望你會出現﹐結果你沒有來。

2010 最後幾天﹐Megan 生日﹐我是一定會去的﹐
從 facebook 上看到你也會去....總算要見面了嗎﹖
我們見面會是什麼樣子﹖看過你在 birthday party 上對魚冷淡,
可是他那麼明顯沒有 over 你。
啊我絕對不要變成那個樣子。Dignity, dignity, dignity

我要穿什麼呢﹖露肩灰色毛衣太 casual,
白色襯衫加黑色毛衣太有距離感﹐而且上半身變成平的...
最後穿 Coral cardigan + white lace cami 配淺綠項鏈。
看起來還蠻 approachable ﹐這樣也好。

先前去 mrs. Tong 家吃火鍋﹐所以 I arrived the party late, 可是卻不見你。
"Jesse says that he is going to come later." Megan 說
是嗎﹖所以你也知道我會晚到﹐對吧。

還正在跟 Trish 說話呢﹐就看到你了。你一個個打招呼﹐Megan, Trish,
每個都是一個 hug and kiss on the cheek. 下一個是我了﹐你依舊如此﹐
表面的友善…嗎﹖

之後我們並沒有說什麼話﹐我刻意友善而冷淡﹐
其實之前我們兩個一起出席 social gathering 就都是如此﹐
有點讓彼此自生自滅的感覺。XD
但從 body language 知道我們還是熟稔的﹐
你一向保持自己的 personal space, 卻坐得離我很近﹐
close enough for our legs to touch each other's
我知道你的視線不時在我身上 linger,
我們和 Trish 談起她最近的 long distance relationship,
你說 "As Trish would know, absence makes the heart grow fonder"
hmph, 你指的是什麼呢﹖
之後你又問我﹕Peter 是什麼時候來的﹖
啊﹐原來你和我一樣﹐都知道對方的 facebook 近況

對面的兩個女生和你談得很高興﹐眼角唇邊都帶笑
是啦是啦﹐我知道你今天實在是很好看﹐全身黑色更顯修長﹐
我側身專心跟 Trish 說話﹐
心裡 OS: 馬的雖然我們已經不在一起了﹐ 你們這兩隻也不要想碰他。
(啊真的碰了又能怎樣﹐難道妳真的砍過去噢 ﹖﹖﹖)
後來幾個人喝 shot, 你也有﹐我轉頭問你 what's that?
你把你的 shot glass 遞過來 "Share that with me. Drink half of it."
我喝了一口還你 "That's not half" 你笑著說
如此遞來遞去﹐"總算" 喝了一半﹐
你接過 shot glass, finished another half. 那兩個女生現在可沒在笑了。
Bitches, I win.

Party 慢慢 die down, 你忽然走過來坐我旁邊。
說你重新閱讀 buddhism﹐開始學中文﹐(“oh I must tell leanne!” 你說)
你說你戒了煙﹐新年 resolution 是要戒酒﹐因為你其實不需要喝酒。
啊我能夠了解﹐這些都只是 over compensation,
如果他在我身邊﹐我根本不會想抽煙喝酒
你說到先前和 stacy and shawn hang out 幾次﹐臉上出現厭倦的表情
"you know shawn and stacy. They just drink and do nothing."
我知道﹐我知道﹐你想走了﹐身邊卻還有爛泥巴。
我說 "I understand. We drank to numb ourselves.
I'm so happy that you decide to quit drinking.
There is nothing wrong with alcohol or the taste of it,
but if we drink to get drunk - if we can't control it -
then it's better to stop drinking so that in the future we'll
still get to enjoy it in our lives."

你忽然說 "Is that what's going on between us?"
我微微一驚﹐什麼時候你變得那麼直接。
"yes" 我點點頭

然後你開始了﹐ 全程都看著我的眼睛﹐
臉上很溫柔很溫柔﹐仿彿全桌只有我們

"I just want to let you know that you're very important to me.
I really missed you and for several times almost called.
I really appreciate your patience and tolerance with me.
I was obnoxious and over-bearing."

"It was mutual." 我笑著說

"Yes it was." 你也笑了

你說
"I was the catalyst that started the whole thing, but i want
you to know that your support really helped me.
You're really important to me. I don't think it's a good idea
for us to see each other again. We were in this co-dependent relationship.
I want you to know that i really care about you;
and maybe in 5 years, we will be able to see each other.
You and Peter seem to do better and better.
And i'm doing really well, right at where i want to be."

"i totally agree with you. If we meet up again,
i'd feel comfortable enough to grab a drink and get drunk with you,
but that's not what we want with our life now.
We'll go on to be 2 individuals, and then maybe we can see each other again. "
此時你點點頭﹐我繼續說 "Somehow with best intentions,
we’re bad influences to each other.
Without me, you finally managed to quit smoking and find a second job."

"But it was fun" 你開玩笑, 然後認真起來﹐
"I just want to make sure we're on the same page.
We're going separate ways but I don't want to leave you thinking
i don't care. I wanted to say this on facebook but that doesn't seem right,
so i hope that maybe i'll bump into you on the street and say this to you.
I really hoped you would come today.
Should we go somewhere else to grab a drink?
Oh it may be too late and it's getting like the old time..."

我知道你在猶豫﹐因為我也想與你獨處﹐可是也不想再回頭了。
"Hey, after tonight, i'm not going to see you again. You won't see me again."
"ok, let's go."

我們去了附近一間 Irish Pub,
可是你又開始說你自己﹐我也開始說我自己﹐
然後 we closed the bar again.

我們都不想回去了。
你說 "ok, i won't see you again."
我回答 "we'll see how it goes."
你正想反對我﹐我繼續說
"what i meant was: if we meet up again, we do.
If we don't, we don't. In other words: when was the last time you saw megan?"

我們和 megan 也許還可以更熟﹐但彼此都是好朋友。
而你上一次見到 megan 已是 5 個月前的夏天﹐
我們一夥人去 Distillery District 那次。

親愛的你要走了﹐你從來不解釋自己也不喜歡 commitment
可是你過來告訴我你是愛我的﹐我也知道了﹐
沒關係﹐親愛的我也是﹐我們得道別﹐將來才能再見面。
Farewell. We broke up, to meet again.